“Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was.” – Jodi Picoult
I don’t know if it’s a little too late to write something about being homesick. After more than 3 years, sometimes, somehow, feelings crept in.
I couldn’t help it. It just happened.
Alright, so imagine this. You live away from home and talking to one of your parents over phone/Skype. They advice you on something so trivial that you lose your patience at one point and ‚kinda‘ scream at them saying you know how to handle things. You are grown up enough. Sounds familiar?
Well, and what follows is even worse. The guilt. Feeling bad about your reaction and understanding of how you could have handled that better. Each one of us have different mechanisms to handle the situation after that. And somehow, it can be buried with the promise that it will never repeat and somehow, you find yourself in same situation again (after a few weeks perhaps).
Recently, I find myself introspecting my decisions. My decisions to be here. Away from home and years to come. I find myself in a really tight spot sometimes. We all do I guess. The logical and emotional parts of brain are in a constant battle. And day after day it continues.
On the other hand, life here is comfortable and when you hear about everything back at home, a part of you never wants all of that and at that moment, it all comes back to you. The strength that’s keeping you together here from so long.
Sometimes I feel that one day, not too far away in future, I would probably be lost. Lost with my identity. The run for fitting in here and balancing my roots, are going to come to a stop someday and that day I will realize that I neither belong here nor there. It is scary. Yes indeed, it is.
But at the same time, what isn’t. As correctly told by many great people in times before „The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.“ I used to fear not being able to reach where I truly want to and now I fear what if I lose what I had before.
We cannot possibly get everything all the time. Things change. Circumstances change. And we change with time. It is all a part of journey and the sooner we embrace this, the happier memories we shall look back upon years from now.
Since Diwali is around the corner and yet again I see myself being alone and trying to celebrate it alone for 4th year in a row… I see a ray of hope…
The amount I would probably spend on the decorations, would make someone, somewhere happy and content. And this feeling, is just ineffable. Also, I would invite some close people who have no idea what Diwali is and celebrate a little with them with some sweets and Indian food.
So, all those who are away from home and it’s been years since you remember doing anything with your family, don’t worry. Because you aren’t alone. Stay strong and introspect a bit. Find what makes you happy and your reasons for doing what you are doing. It will make sense (sooner or later) and it is going to be worth it.
P.S. Share your experiences in the comments below 🙂
P.P.S. Keep smiling and stay strong! 🙂