I think a lot of posts are long due. And my list seems to get longer each time I add a new topic that I would like to write about and share something.

Without any further delays, it’s time to bring that list to action. Start with something that’s been absolutely thrilling and I’ve been waiting to write about – Fears.

We all grow up having some or the other kind of fear. Be it fear of speaking in public, or fear of spiders (!!!) or fear of heights or open waters or as simple as fear of being all by yourself. And the list goes on. What if I told you that yes, I had all of these (and quite a few more) in my list since I don’t even remember and also when I moved here to Germany exactly 6 years ago? For all of you who’re familiar with me, you know that’s real shit. I couldn’t do any of these things.

And over the time, with such tiny baby steps that I didn’t even know I was taking, I’ve finally crossed all of these out from my list (and my list still doesn’t end) and that means, in coming years there are a lot more to be crossed off too. But this post isn’t about telling it’s all easy peasy and you should go and sky dive tomorrow. I wish it were that simple.

It’s about growing.

We grow and evolve each day. And believe it or not, even the smallest of learning makes that little change in us. I don’t want to think what would have happened if in March 2016, I wouldn’t have attempted to say a single sentence completely in German. Did my sentence make sense? Well, partially. But my grammar was out of this world (literally). And then, if I did get embarrassed (which I did), should have I stopped? Well, easier said than done, I would have. But somehow, the will to keep on going and making like a million mistakes (and continuing to make mistakes) at least has brought me to a place where I stand in a reputed University and take a lecture, in German.

How on earth did that happen?

I was sweating about the whole language skills point before this lecture. And I realized that it’s the last thing I should be sweating about. Humans are humans and we are not perfect. Being a foreigner in this country, constantly trying to learn, integrate, fail and try again is making me the person I am today. And will continue to help me grow and evolve.

That’s one part of the story.

Do you remember the jet ski blog post? If not here’s the link – Courage. And here you would know very well that I really was at rock bottom on this day (not literally, but emotionally).

And yet, came another opportunity this year to try it once again. Did I try it immediately? No. Not happening. But after sitting at the back for about half hour, I decided to ‘try’ again. And guess what, call it ‘I don’t care right now – feeling at that moment’ or ‘Let’s do this shit – feeling’ or simply ‘Charu, you’ve come this far, don’t give up – feeling’ or a combination of all, few minutes later, I was accelerating at it’s top speed and just breathing. I didn’t think of the last time and how I felt. I just went with the winds and waves. And yes, that wasn’t alone, my partner/best friend/fiancΓ© was by my side and the courage he gave me and continues to give, helped me overcome yet another fear.

And few weeks later, I saw another challenge in front of me. I forgot that I had registered for a sport that involves both heights and water – Canyoning. For those who haven’t heard about it, like me, it’s a sport that involves diving/sliding/climbing/crawling in and between the river between a canyon (closes spaces from time to time, yayyy! – No).

And this time, with office colleagues. There we were, the lucky group that won tickets in lottery for this sport and absolutely thrilled looking at it, while walking towards the starting point.

My first thought while walking – No way on earth can I ever do this. (Pretty positive you see).

And there we were, first task, climb up a rock and dive into the water. Simple. I swear to God I haven’t taken that much time making some of the biggest decisions of my life and that moment before the first dive, kinda stood still in front of me. I couldn’t move. And then the guide told me, don’t worry, I’ll count. And she did. The heaviest lifting of my legs in terms of fear and I jumped. Went straight down and felt nothing anymore. Came up a couple of seconds later and I forgot all the pain at that moment. Thanks to the neoprene suit, ice water was now only hitting face and hands.

And this was just the beginning.

Next 2 hours were I guess some of the best moments I’ve ever experienced. Jumping, climbing, sliding, crawling to find our ways (following the guide) to the final drop.

This final drop was a 18 meter slide on a waterfall rock into the water below. When I first saw the view from the point of slide, I thought this cannot be real (height fear reminded me how insane and deadly this is – don’t listen to height fear when it talks to you, it’s stupid.). A few slides from other colleagues later, I decided I’ll do it without the rope too and either ways, gravity will work and I’ll go down. Yes, that’s how I calm my nerves when I feel like I’m going to die. The guide asked me quite a few questions about letting me go, or if I’m sure, and I should keep my eyes open to enjoy. I nodded no for everything. And a few moments later, I was sliding and bumping on the rock to hit the water. And swear on god, that was the best thing I did that week! (Why only week and not ever? More on that in posts later πŸ˜‰ ) And would most definitely do it again in another place! (Summer, come soon!)

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All these fears were more real and easier to explain. But there are fears that one can’t explain.

Yesterday while celebrating my 6 years here, I thought to myself, that each person / event / hurt / success and challenges helped me live here so beautifully, that time did fly.

And I did not think when I moved on 26 Sept 2013 that if I would be thinking this way 6 years from now. Not one bit.

To each one out there, if you have any self doubt, go out there and challenge yourself. Face the situations that scare you when you get the chance and also, keep growing and getting stronger. Because you can πŸ™‚ Only if you really want to πŸ™‚

Keep smiling and stay strong πŸ™‚

P.S. I can’t upload my videos here but here’s the video on YouTube of the same place, by the same group that organizes it πŸ™‚ Enjoy! πŸ™‚




2 thoughts on “Fears

  1. navyanthkusam says:

    It is always surprising to me that every time I read your post I feel like you are talking about the same thing that is going on in my life. A few weeks ago I was given the task of writing a review paper by my supervisor and whenever I start writing a few words I lose the focus. I write a few paragraphs and then read it and deleted it. Whenever I read I realize that something is missing and I felt very under confident about my writing skills. May because I have read more literature or maybe because of the inferiority complex that I was not able to write in the same style. Meanwhile, I also have to submit my Ph.D. proposal. This was also pending for a long time. As the deadline started approaching I have become nervous. I was afraid to even write a few lines. I tried to escape from this fear and find temporary comfort in things like wasting more time in coffee and lunch breaks. This running from my fears has made me lazy. lazy I was not able to do little things like sending a postcard, writing an email. Today is Friday and only have 3 more days to submit my Paper. Just before I when I was leaving my office, I read your post “Fears”.

    Thanks for sharing your experience. I make me feel that whatever is going in my life is not just that I am the only one who is facing it. It makes me feel that we are not individuals. We are dealing with similar situations. When I realize that, I get this motivation that I must face the fears, I must act immediately! Period! Not just for me, but for all of us.

    I said to my self “No running anymore!”
    So I stayed, wrote this comment even though I had thoughts of deleting it (Why not? After all, it is a very small thing, just a comment, what difference does it make ? NO!!!)

    “Even the smallest of learning makes that little change in us”
    I feel better now πŸ™‚

    Bye πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • charupathni says:

      Hi Navya,
      Firstly, a comment or blog, interaction with one another at the smallest level also can make a lot of difference πŸ™‚ so thank you, for leaving your thoughts here πŸ™‚ it makes my day brighter πŸ™‚
      And secondly, about the fears you’re facing at the moment , I understand that.. and we all have such phases where it just doesn’t feel right.. don’t worry… you’re going to accomplish them and succeed πŸ™‚ keep going, and trying πŸ™‚ not giving us makes all the difference and makes us stronger πŸ™‚
      Take care and all the best πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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