Going home…

“Family, like branches on a tree, we all grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one.”

I’ve waited to write this blog for so long. And after a wait of two and half years and more, I am finally here. About to start packing to fly home, to my home.

Since the time I’ve booked my tickets I can’t wait to go and as the days approached, feelings of all kinds have taken over my head and heart in ways I am unable to explain. Literally to anyone.

So here I am, trying to pen it all down. Share it. Say it out loud and hopefully by the end of it, I have found some clarity about my thoughts.

It so happens that when you live away, more so in another part of the world, another culture altogether, you sub consciencely would have adapted. In such subtle ways that you don’t even realise. I did get a feel of it when there were some people who visited me during this time. During this time too, I could feel that I really am not on the same plate of thoughts. Nonetheless, they came for a short time, we had a nice time visiting and having our talks and then they left. My life went back to normal.

Now although, I talk to my parents minimum twice everyday, somehow I realised that maybe they don’t really know the person I have become and also the other way around. It happens I guess. No, it’s not that I don’t love them. I love them more than anything in the world. Somehow, I feel like I am unable to express myself, the new me, to them. I have failed to keep them in detailed loop. Sometimes it’s because of timings, sometimes because of something there and mainly because I feel that if I share anything, they might worry. This point has over the time drifted me ever farther.

Past couple of weeks, as days to the flight have come closer, I tried to read all possible blogs and websites. In short did my research on what to do and what not to do there. But it shouldn’t be like this right? I’m visiting my parents. My brother. My home where I grew up and spent 22 years of my life. It shouldn’t be this scary. Okay, scary is a hard word but you know what I mean.

I did read about the reverse cultural shock. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it’s all in my head. But the fact of the matter is, there are so many feelings at the moment that I am unable to decipher as yet.

I made a list of things to pack. I made a list of things I would like to buy there. I made a list of all things I would like to eat there! Yes, that’s quite a list.

And yet, there is this part of my heart that’s not ready to slow down a bit and feel normal.

I remember now, that some months ago I was in a complete home sickness phase. I really couldn’t stop myself from feeling bad about being so far away. I couldn’t stop myself watching videos that I used to make at home with mumma papa and go through photos from years ago. This was the phase that for the love of God, all I wanted to do was go home. But due to circumstances then, I couldn’t. Plans were different then.

During this period, my parents knew that I guess. But I didn’t share anything further. I couldn’t share the severity. Why? Down to same reason. They will worry. And I got over this, with help of my brother, my closest friends. And of course, keeping myself busy all the time.

But over the course of time, this may have brought another subtle distance, emotionally. A mistake. But nothing that can’t be fixed. Isn’t it?

Anyways, here I am now, trying to keep my head together to make sure I pack everything. Finish my work tomorrow at work. Wrap up everything and finally take the flight I’ve been waiting to get on over 30 months now.

Mumma Papa and Jun, can’t wait to see you all. 

And a big hug and thank you to my German family (German family, friends, my wonderful colleagues, my readers and each one who has ever shared a kind word to me and made my day!) here that have supported me and had my back at all times. I love you all. 

This post is dedicated to everyone who reads this sitting somewhere, away from home (irrespective of the distance).

Keep smiling and stay strong 🙂

P.S. You are most welcome to share, comment and like this post if you can relate and feel what I feel too. Also, feel free to send me an email and share your story if you would like to 🙂