9 months in, 9 months out…

Today marks the 18 months months of fabulous and crazy!

9 months in, 9 months out – This is a line that someone told me couple of months after the delivery when I was worried about how I looked in the mirror. Little did I know what that meant. But now I do.

The past 9 months have been (and yes I’ll repeat myself here) THE hardest time of life. Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining. I am simply acknowledging and accepting what it is.

It took me 9 months to look at myself in the mirror, to see me as me. Sometimes wondering where is the old me gone. And then having this realisation that she isn’t gone. She’s evolved. Maybe I wouldn’t fit into clothes from couple of years ago but instead of seeing that aspect, I see a strong person who has endured so much more than just fitting in my old clothes. And I genuinely see myself as stronger than I’ve ever been. Exactly at a place that I wanted to be for years. Grounded. And finally made peace with myself in many, many ways.

There have been a lot of relations that have taken a separate course over these 18 months. And now I accept that it’s not because I did something, or because I have a child. But because, that’s exactly how life works. Over the time, people will choose another route, that doesn’t include you. It doesn’t mean you have to beat yourself about it. It’s just that their route doesn’t match your journey.

That brings me to another self reflection moment. I’ve met some amazing people over time. And whether they have a child or not, that doesn’t play a part. It’s the vibes. It’s always been the vibes. And for the longest time, a forced vibe will not stand course of time. Ways shall part.

Moving on to the most precious things of all, that we all have such limited amount of – time. It’s always been limited but I think there is something in last 18 months that makes me treasure it each day now. Something has definitely taught me how to spend these moments, a little more wisely.

All these self retrospecting thoughts came from one major source, our little A.

Little A has now become the explorer who finds things in the house I didn’t even know were there. Amazes me each day with his never giving up attitude – no matter how many times he falls, he always gets up and does same thing all over again. Sometimes I think, oh my god, learn from your mistakes. Then I realise that one, he’s not even 9 months old. And two, I think I should learn from his persistence to learn. I cry when he simply comes to me with all his speed and just wants to hug or give me his wet kisses on my forehead or cheeks, which I then wipe on his tummy that makes him laugh. Win win I would say :D And I, like any other parent just look at their little beings with utmost adoration and wonder, wow. This non moving living thing is now sometimes incontrollable and is a tiny human that shows what they like (mostly what they don’t like).

On the not so bright side, I do reach my limits when I try to get him to sleep and I’m exhausted but he looks at me and blows a raspberry, smiles and continues playing with his toy. At this moment, I do wanna just tell him, kid, sleep – please. I wish he understood what I meant. But not to worry, that will come too soon as well. And maybe in another blog I would be talking about things he keeps telling & asking and I have no answers to a lot of them.

This is such a wonderful and humbling journey that’s simply so hard to express.

And yes, even though sometimes I really wish I could have my coffee in peace or actually go to washroom without A following me, but I know I’m gonna miss these moments. Too soon he would not want to get out of his room or visit us once in a month or maybe a year. Okay, now I’m jumping a decade ahead of myself. I’ll enjoy the little being that he is now.

I’m gonna leave you to your thoughts and memories of your loved ones, and go take a sneak peek at my little bear before I hit the pillow and sleep before I can count to 10.

Keep smiling! And stay strong! 🙂

P.S. I have taken it as a nice challenge for myself to take out time once a month and write. Another realisation was that it doesn’t have to be a PhD in a topic, but simply doing something I love. And I do love sending positive vibes and lots to hugs to all of you who read my blog posts!

Thank you and happy new year! 🙂